The previous post was about closure and resolution. I think it is most appropriate consider the year is coming to a close soon. I won't be posting very much either for the next two weeks as I will be away. So I thought I'd do an early reflection on the year especially since it is coming to an end. Then again, I believe it won't be my last post about end-year reflections.
I guess in many ways it's been a significant year with momentous events and milestones to remember by - a year that has truly marked a turning in my life, a kind of metamorphosis that started last year. It's been tumultous as well considering the hump I encountered again middle of this year - with the promise of the return of a loved one. But looking back, I'm glad it did happen because it has proven to me that as much as I love that person dearly, with all my heart and soul, it is a relationship that cannot be. For a moment, just for a moment, I thought it would. But those moments recalled a dark past and I felt I was living it again. But just for a moment ... And I still wish sometimes, that that moment could be.
This year's also been my first year of really departing from being a student and being a full-time income-earning adult. It's been a memorable experience nonetheless - a kind of 'culture shock' of kinds to actually witness, experience and become victimised at first hand the viscious malicious and petty nature of fellow colleagues and peers - not to mention the betrayals and disappointments in friendships. But as my teacher and mentor has always taught me, if the old do not pass on, the new cannot find place in your life. And so, I've been blessed with really good friends at work - ones that I can not only work with but chat, laugh and even cry with.
But the greatest blessing, in many ways, this year, is still my students/kids and in particular my beloved class. They've been, unbeknowest to them, a source of inspiration and strength for me to go beyond myself. In a time when I departed an old way of life I knew so well, they came to fill the void that I created when I walked away from old friends and loved ones. And they've become a source of renewed strength and joy, of purpose and meaning. Despite this, I need to constantly be aware that I cannot rely on such an energy that is often temporal and momentary. They will grow older and will leave. I can and should not fall prey to the emotional illness that teachers often face - they mourn when students leave; they form an emotional dependence on them, their sense of self-worth and identity.
That said, I love my kids much and I love my class lots and find them truly adorable. It's a joy to teach and impart them what little I can give, well, actually I have a lot to give. It's a kind of youthful vigour and joy being with them. They've truly been a blessing and renewed my confidence in what I knew I was supposed to do and good at doing for a long time now.
It's also been an experience handling both sports and the arts. I'm discovering, and in some ways fulfilling, the latent talents within me, giving fruition to my intellectual and academic interests. Maybe I should try going into theatre full-time. I'm sure I can outdo those loud, flamboyant and unintelligent charlattans that fill the Singaporean stage-scene. I must admit, directing is great fun - corporealising your ideas and seeing page become stage. It's an unspeakable sense of satisfaction. It's also been a real learning experience handling Climbing. I've always had an interest in it but I've come to learn much more - the differences in dealing with two diverse groups of students as an example. I've come to learn to deal with corporate clients and salespersons and have come to see the politics and economics behind sporting events. I took part in my first ever traithlon (I've done marathons and swam in competitions before but never a triathlon!).
But I've certainly left some things behind - like travelling alone, choral singing and conducting, doing research which I so enjoy; although I did do a paper earlier this year and was supposed to attend the Shakespeare Association of America's Annual Conference in April (many thanks to SARS for destroying that opportunity! Well, there is always next year).
There is much more to say, much more to ponder but I guess this will do for now. All in all, I think it's been a good year ...
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