Two Minds

I am in two minds about sitting my class down again to address issues ... or to leave it be; to live and let live. Perhaps to just give up trying to do anything more than deliver my lesson.

But I keep pondering on the futility of such an action. I've said what I've needed and I thoroughly hate repeating myself or 'nagging'. Yet it seems they aren't 'seeing'. And with each passing day, the feeling that I'm heading nowhere with them irks me till such point that things which perturbed me little now take on larger dimensions and kills my mood completely. The class can't, and can never, get together to do something. A simple thing such as making a wish for "Be Yourself Day" tells all ... not to mention the pain of the dinner end last year and the unforgettable chalet 'experience'.

No word; no sense of gratitude. No spirit. No passion. No enthusiasm. No vision; only a self-centredness that drives them to want 'favours' from me constantly. Yet this doesn't disturb me as much as the fact that I feel I am not getting through about the seriousness of things - not just what's up ahead but in life. I feel I need to be a 'clown'; a slapstick comedian to get the attention and motivate them.

Perhaps it's generational. Yet why are the other classes I teach so remarkedly different? Betty and Francis are in many ways right - it's because of how one treasures someone or something dearly that one inevitably sets up higher expectations both in the process of giving ... and receiving. Are my expectations too high for them? Should I compromise and let them be?

Francis had an interesting insight when we chatted at the bouldering gym after attempting a few rounds of bouldering across the rock wall (!!!). He believes that I 'peaked' with my class too soon, got too close to them in the first year. And like all relationships of any sort, a period of turbulence follows. He believes it will pass; he's given it 3 weeks. He further adds that things will turn out better and stronger after.

I'm not so sure myself. At this point of time, I adore those kids but I am still fuming. Awkwardly paternal instincts; awkward that I should even be going through such emotions with a class! Ludicruous...

I think I need to back away from them for a while; need to keep my distance. Think, at this point of time, I'll just let things be. Maybe they'll turn sensible and ask me what's wrong or even discover it for themselves; then again, knowing them, maybe not - they'll probably think I'm going through mood swings and it's got nothing to do with them. So be it ...