Maybes

The pervasive feeling of melancholia and gloom persists and it is perhaps worse today than it has been in a long while. I'm facing much self-doubt about my own person and about what I (thought I loved to) do.

I've been trying to ask in the course of these past two weeks why I am the person I am and if I am really cut out to be a teacher? I've been asking how good an educator I really am.

Maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm actually terrible as one. Maybe I'm too strict. Maybe I'm too fierce. Maybe I'm too demanding. Maybe I could be nicer. Maybe I could be friendlier. Maybe I could be more patient. Maybe I could have less of an attitude. Maybe I could be less intimidating. Maybe I should be less prescriptive and dictative in tone. Maybe I could have spent more time seeing how the kids are doing. Maybe I should initiate more.

Maybe it's the pressure that has got to me and the stress that has eaten my patience and brought my moods so constantly low that when I enter the classroom the mood transforms the atmosphere. Maybe it's because they're in their second year and should be more serious. Maybe that's an excuse. Maybe they're tired of me and my simple theatrics. Maybe I've begun to show that I care less? Maybe we've become too comfortable with one another and the mundane sets in like any relationship. Maybe I'm in need to some certainty and affirmation - from them - that I'm doing alright.

Maybe that's it.

I've been trying to recall why I willingly fought to follow the classes, particularly my own, up to the second year. And I remembered ... the things they used to do that made me feel appreciated, that they were worth every political battle that would have been fought. I remember what they've done for my birthday; I remember the things they've written; I remember the simulataneous SMSes on the night before I was to be told if I would follow them up; I remember how some of them showed such genuine concern when they knew I was disappointed with their June Common Test results; I remember a lot more communication - even with kids from other classes, those that I am fonder of; I remember some of them popping by my table just to chat - now the staff room is out of bounds to students; I remember them asking me for lunch/breakfast during their breaks.

I wonder what happened this year. Maybe they, like everyone else, are too busy. Maybe they, like me, are too occupied trying to stay afloat to try and 'care'. I casually asked JJ if the class was going to attempt to meet this holidays and he laughed. Well ... Maybe it'll not happen considering it is already nearing the end of their days as a class.

I've always believed in myself even when nobody else would. And for this year and a half I've always thought I've been doing just fine but as the days pass I have become more antagonistic, reactive and hostile to many kids - as a consequence of them casting me into that role.

Maybe this isn't really my calling. Maybe I needto know that I'm doing alright with the students.