Between memory and desire

T.S. Eliot's infamous line from 'The Wasteland' has always captivated me because of its immense profundity and depth for interpretation.

And memory and desire was something I was confronted with two thursdays ago - and am still caught in the paradox and dilemma.

Of memory and desire: of the memory of what it once was and should be and what one desires; of the memory of oneself and the values one tries to hold on to so desperately and the wanton desire for the mores in life, the material mores - power and wealth.

I was made to choose and have to choose now between upholding my principles, beliefs and values and the possibility of soaring higher in the ranks. Life never is simple; it only becomes more complicated.

It seems, in an instant, things have changed. I've lost my motivation, am disillusioned and demoralised. Perhaps education, like any institution, is foiled with its corruptions and power struggles. Perhaps even leaders in education serve no greater good apart from their own preservation and promotion. Perhaps it is merely symptomatic of the amoral world we live in, one that has lost its idealisms and integrity. Perhaps it is, as Michel Foucault aptly revealed, all about power - a discourse that controls the bearer and not the reverse.

Integrity and honesty - what are those really? Can it feed one and sustain one materially? Does it hinder and suffocate in this amoral society and school? Yet what am I without those?

I've always taught the kids to live with honour, integrity and honesty, to uphold and fight for the beliefs one holds dear. Perhaps it is the excessive influence of reading too much fantasy and wandering too far into medieval philosophy but I now have to fight a big battle- and it seems a lot harder than I thought it would be. I now need to ask myself if I can uphold literally what I've always believed and what I've always taught ... It seems I'm always fighting my whole life ...