TIRED

I'm SICK and TIRED of always taking the initiative to care for people, to extend the first sign of affection, the first act of kindness, the first gift of giving.

I'm TIRED of being disappointed all the time by what never comes around, and I'm not even asking for it in full measure.

I'm TIRED of trying to make the first move always. I'm TIRED of initiating the first 'hi' or clicking on 'your' MSN title.

I'm TIRED of being understanding. I'm TIRED of trying to understand that everyone is busy and could possibly have their own life to lead.

I'm TIRED of explaining how some people are important in my life in the hopes that they would take some goddamn initiative to show some concern, or say HELLO, or even (I remotely hope) express the same thoughts.

I'm TIRED of always giving, of giving first, and of giving more. I've always been the one who gave freely - my self, my wealth, my time, my empathy - without asking for much in return.

I'm TIRED of hearing words that have no meaning because they just remain ink on page or inscriptions on the screen, empty signifiers that are meaninglyess. And inaction seems to be the only action to accompany those empty vessels.

I'm TIRED of hearing that I'll be missed when I'm actually still here but nobody really cares.

I'm TIRED of being told that we should stay and in touch when the one that's trying hard is me.

I'm TIRED of people talking about themselves all the time when I write.

I'm TIRED of always being taken for granted.

I'm TIRED of always being regarded as a self-sufficient hero

I'm TIRED and I've had just about enough.

Is it too much to ask, from the people I care about, that you extend for just one point in my life, some empathy and sense of awareness that I might actually need 'help'?

Is it too much to ask ...?

I'm the one who's going through a life-change, a radically different one. And it's difficult for me whose life has been well-established, secure, and safe. I've walked away from a life most people desire and a place where I am loved and love in return. I'm the one that's a few thousand miles away from everything familiar and safe.

Is it too much to ask for you to say hello first and ask me how am I doing? Is too much for you to drop an email, or to reply one?

It probably is. Because humans are always self-obsessed and self-absorbed. They can't extend true compassion because they're only concerned with their own pain ... like I am.

So this post perhaps then marks the end for some ... I've been patient, understanding, and empathetic ... enough. I will not take any more initiatives and if what we once shared ends, then so be it.

I am TIRED and I have had enough. No more words.