Wanderings

I sit here again wondering ... and wandering.

I've been doing this everyday without fail ever since I got here.

My mind wanders to the time that I spend teaching, to the years I was labelled as an educator. My memories are of those that have called me by my surname, those that have called me a mentor, and those that now call me friend.

I think of the lessons I've given, the subject I've created, the reasons behind creating the subject, the many sleepless nights spent toiling to believe that what I did made a difference. I recall the joy of being in the classroom, the slick sarcasm I would pour out, the bawdy puns, the visually stunning slides (which I'm very proud of by the way), the nerve-wrecking preparation for KI lessons, the last-minute 'Rationalism & Empricisim in-a-nutshell' revisions, the wine in class (no, I wasn't breaking the law. It was used as a teaching point), the blank faces of KI students lost in my philosophical rhetoric, and so much more...

I recall climbing mountains with students, dressing their wounds, hopping across boulders and crossing rivers, finding quiet and solitude on the top of a waterfall watching the sun rise. I remember going the distance with the climbers, running every mile they did, being right beside them when they scaled the walls at every competition. I remember the tiles in the vase.

I remember the long rehearsals and the pains of production. I remember the late nights, the strange encounters at the auditorium, the joy of staging and producing a play. I recall the pride I felt for the students when the curtains closed.

I remember my first class, the shocked expression of students meeting an unconventional tutor, a maverick. I remember the drudge of having to teach a very meaningless and ludicrous subject in the early years. I remember Civics at East Coast, the follery to seek ghosts at Changi Hospital, the sunburnt moments on the beach.

I remember the farewells, the surprise on stage, the comment from a student very dear to me that that night was a testimony to my work, and to me. I remember the letters, the cards, the heartfelt wishes and thank-yous, the tears from those who appreciated everything I've done, and from those who loved me. I remember the final moments at departure - the crowd, the absence, and the expressions of my friends and family. I remember trying to hold back the tears because I've always taught my students to be strong in the face of adversity.

I remember so much more ... and all my mind has been doing thus far is to wander: to the past, to the question why I am here.

I am here. I am no one. I am an Asian body in a largely caucasian land. I am known only by my name, the department I'm from, and the research I'm embarking on. No one remembers the past I have recalled and no one shares those memories. I am here - quiet. And I ask why...

I ask why because I taught as I believed even if my methods were unconventional. I ask why because I seem to have made a strong difference in so many lives. I ask why because I opened the eyes and minds of so many. I ask why because I mattered to them as they to me. I ask why because I truly loved what I did. I ask why because I was certain that was my calling in life. I ask why because my phone no longer rings. I ask why because I no longer am able to inspire. I ask because I seemed to have lost something important in my life, by my own choice. I ask why because I miss my friends and family; I miss my adorable nephew and niece.

I ask why because I need to remind myself that this is my choice. I need to remind myself that I need to move on and not let stability and security infest my mind and cause my mind to wither. I need to remind myself that I've always wanted to take this last step in my academic career. I need to remind myself that I can do something with my love for knowledge. I need to remind myself that I teach by example, by being a living example. I do this because I've always taught them that money, fame, fortune (and grades) aren't everything in life, that we live life only once and we need to experience the many opportunities in life, that because we live only once we should never look back with regret; that because we live only once we need to find the courage to pursue our 'dreams' (as cliche as it sounds).

So I am here with no one I know, nothing familiar; nothing and no one. But I will keep to this path that I have chosen and I will make good of this. I will return again but for now I will be away.