Go the distance

It is 13 hours and 10 mins to my next race ... the College's Road Run. It shouldn't be too difficult to hold on to my placing but I'm just wondering if I can take the top spot!

Neh ... Bernard, even in his injured state, is a minute and a half to two ahead of me! It would be nothing short of a miracle to be able to match his pace, much less overtake it. But maybe the miracle is what I'm hoping for!!! ha! As Naomi, Tony and Betty have said - "anything can happen"! Tony is even willing to help me trip Bernard! MOST HILARIOUS! Such ludicrous thoughts coming from teachers.

Well, it's not a big deal really.

But what is my motivation really? Pride? Perhaps ... I think it's self-actualisation. It's a way to uncover and recover the past - my childhood past I think; a way to tell myself, as I approach mid-life, that I can do it. I may not have been able to do it then but I can do it now. At least I was there even if it was a later part in my life. I think the same motivation drove me to take part in those triathlons and biathlons and whatever nonsense sporting competitions and adventure/extreme sports - it's the need to tell myself that my will can supercede all obstacles. As Nietzsche once most infamously remarked, it is a "Will to Power".

I had a nice chat with Mrs Lau this morning after she read the script that I wrote for SYF. I was much flattered - she had one word ... "brilliant". But it wasn't the flattery nor sense of satisfaction from that affirmation. It was being able to find someone like-minded, who saw the world as I did through the same lenses. Dr Yong has been one and now there is another. She understood why I would claim myself to be 'superior' over others (I chose that option in that silly big-five personality test!) and she could empathise how I would feel stunted and unchallenged in a place such as where I am now.

I wonder sometimes - if I hadn't signed the bond - where would I be right now and what would I be doing? I would probably be in Oxford pursuing my dream of a Doctoral degree. That was the most likely alternative among others - such as travelling the world reporting for the National Geographic! Or perhaps pursuing a second degree in Law in London. Well, opportunity costs - that's what life is about very often. I've been feeling a lot more suffocated and regretful of late especially when I found out Rajesh is teaching Lit 'S' paper. I truly wonder about his intellectual ability, not to mention his work attitude. But most of all, I am angry at the powers that be which forbade me to teach lit if I had chosen to follow the class up on the basis that it would be difficult to cross-teach subjects and levels. BUT RAJESH IS DOING IT! WHY? Damnit!

Sigh ... opportunity costs. And now that the state of the class is such, I begin to wonder about the value of the (lost) cost(cause). Oh well...

I don't mean to belittle him and I don't deliberately feel 'superior' to others; just that I think I can do many things - because of my grit determination - that will to power. I may not do everything par excellence but I can do it well, at least with my utmost effort and dedication. It's the principle that guides my life, my attitude to work, and the way I relate with people whom I care like my friend ... and my dear class.

A closing thought: Never stop running ... at your best ... till your body fails.