It's 2 weeks to the big race and my swim time for 1.5km, to my dismay, has fallen by a minute ... terribly disappointing. My training mates and coach were equally surprised. Imagine my own surprise. I was overtaken by a friend, who swam on my left, 3 times! Unbelievable ... and I'm supposed to be one of the stronger (not the most) swimmers there. Strangely enough I could feel that I was slow when negotiating the distance but somehow didn't quite (feel the need to) speed up.
It takes, according to my swim coach, about 1 month to regain that lost minute. I don't have 1 month. I only have two weeks.
I think it's just this general lethargy I've been feeling of late particularly this year. It's ennui ... Ivan calls it 'chao da' syndrome. And I quite rightly agree. The WHOLE week (beginning saturday last) will be spent at SAFRA Yishun watching the students compete in the National Sport Climbing Championship. I'm supposed to feel excited about their performance.
But I'm not ...
I don't, in all honesty, know who's in the finals, what the line up is, or if they've performed well or not. I know I should ... I was always. But I'm not ... I just don't really care as much as I want to and feel I should. I'm not even sure what competition is next after this one, or when it is for that matter. I feel this strong reluctance to even be there.
As teacher-in-charge, I'm not supposed to not know. But I don't ... I'm not supposed to feel apathetic or indifferent ... but I do. Maybe it's because I've never felt a part of their trials and tribulations when preparing for the competitions; unlike Drama where I was so much a part of the process, the performance, and the tribulation.
Maybe I'm just tired ... Maybe I'm unwilling to give any more time than is necessary to the school any longer even when it's for the students. I'm supposed to start on my conference paper for the World Shakespeare Congress this week and sort the administration for my University applications. But here I am ... marking scripts leftoever from the previous term, planning next term's - for Language Arts, for a new Integrated Subject.
I feel a need to just hide yet again.
1 comment:
It certainly sounds like or rather smells like "chao da". It is perhaps difficult for people who are not in the profession to understand, but this is constantly giving job... and it is always the passionate people who in the end leave the path as they are the ones who strongly believe in doing things whole-heartedly. That "not knowing what's happening" or "too tired to give more" feeling will give the dissatisfaction with self and the disgust that we aren't practising what we preach. A break is necessary... A break to pursue self development, to pursue our very own life helps. Only when we find our lives can we then guide others to theirs. Take care my friend.
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